Help me with my speech?

Ahoy me mateys,

I’m running for secretary in the student government for 9th grade. Below is my speech. Comment with constructive criticism please? Humorous add ons happily accepted.

 

My Speech

 Hello Fred S. Engle students! I am Jake Elton and I am running for the position of secretary. I would be a breathtakingly stupendous secretary for our class for countless reasons, but I will compact them into three simple reasons, because I don’t want to waste my peer’s precious time. First, I am very organized person. Second, I can pay attention and take the important details out of something. No important details will get past me without being recorded. Third, I am a responsible individual, so I won’t forget important notes. That would be something a bad secretary would do. So that’s why I’m running for secretary. Make the right choice and vote Jake.

 

 Help me with my speech?

jake

I am 15, play guitar and soccer, LOVE music, and get furious when people hang on the shopping cart at the supermarket.

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Comments

  1. Rebecca says

    Good start Jake. You identify why it would benefit your classmates to elect you, which is important. I think your second and third reasons are similar enough to be one reason. I would suggest combining them and including a third reason. Is there another secretarial task you can bring out?

    A few copy-editing remarks:
    “peers” is plural and you want to make it possessive (the time belonging to your peers). To make a plural possessive, you just add an apostrophe to the end of the word. It should be “peers’.”
    You need to put “a” in between “am” and “organized” in the sentence beginning, “First.”

    Good luck!

  2. Larry Zappaterrini says

    Congratulations on your decision to run for office Jake! Your statement is well structured and to the point. The only change I would make aside from the copy-editing suggested by Rebecca is with a sentence that I would make into two. The one that starts with “I would be a breathtakingly…” could be split. The sentiment that they convey is good though. Good luck!

  3. Ddoingish says

    Well done is better than well said.
    Benjamin Franklin
    US author, diplomat, inventor, physicist, politician, & printer (1706 – 1790)  

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